Answering Uncomfortable Questions about Money and Relationships

Summary

• Talk Openly About Finances Early: It's essential to discuss financial expectations early in a relationship to avoid misunderstandings and conflict later on. Normalizing these conversations helps to build a strong foundation and is one of the best things to do from the start.
• Handling Early Dating Finances: If you're dating and the question of who pays for dates comes up, offering to pay for half is a fair approach. This sets a tone of equality and helps avoid any potential resentment about financial expectations.
• Financial Transparency: Being upfront and honest about your occupation and income on dating profiles is the best policy. Avoiding truth-telling early on is a red flag and can complicate relationships later.
• Sharing Finances When Moving In: Discuss financial responsibilities before they become an issue. Documenting who pays for what, shared expenses, and individual expenses is crucial. This proactive discussion helps avoid emotional and uncomfortable conversations down the line.
• Combining Finances in a Relationship: If both partners are contributing to a business or other shared financial goals, combining finances might make sense, but it should be done after considering financial equality and the comfort with shared spending.
• Addressing Financial Incompatibility: If partners have strong opposite financial preferences, it's often best to end the relationship amicably. Staying in a relationship where you're financially incompatible due to fear of not finding someone else only prolongs unhappiness.
• Understanding Financial Arguments: Financial arguments often stem from psychological issues related to past experiences with money. Setting standards for acceptable financial behaviors and being prepared to part ways if they're not met can help mitigate these issues.
• Navigating Financial Conversations in Marriage: Approach difficult financial conversations factually and without emotion. Collaborate on solutions for future financial decision-making and behavior expectations.
• Preparing Wills Early: Establishing wills should be done as soon as possible, especially when there are assets involved, to avoid potential complications in the event of unforeseen circumstances.
• Handling Financial Disparities in Marriage: Address financial disparities by learning from a higher-earning spouse or supporting a lower-earning spouse. The key is working together to uplift each other rather than fostering resentment or downplaying each other's successes.
• Financial Trust in Relationships: Financial trust is established through consistent and predictable financial behaviors. Partners need to behave in a way that aligns with their financial promises to build trust.
• The Importance of Prenups: Consider a prenup if you enter a marriage with significant assets. It may feel uncomfortable but protecting pre-marriage assets is prudent and can prevent difficult situations in the event of a divorce.
• Fostering Romance While Protecting Finances: Balancing financial protection and romance is a tricky subject. Reflect on whether there's evidence of a financial threat from your partner and whether past experiences are influencing your need for protection. Open, honest communication is vitally important for both financial security and maintaining romance.

Video

How To Take Action

I would suggest talking openly about finances early. It could feel awkward at first, but being honest about money expectations sets your relationship up for success. Just say what you hope for financially in a partnership and ask what the other person thinks.

When dating, it's fair to offer to pay for half the date. It shows you believe in equality from the start. Don't hide your job or income on dating profiles. Being upfront saves you trouble later.

Before moving in together, sit down and write out who pays for what. This makes things clear and avoids tough talks in the future. Agree on shared expenses and what you'll each handle on your own.

If you and your partner work together or have shared goals, combining finances might make sense. But only do it if you're both okay with spending each other's money.

If your money habits really don't match up, it might be best to end things friendly. Staying in a mismatched money relationship won't make either of you happy.

Money fights often come from how we grew up with money. Set clear rules for what's okay financially in the relationship. If rules can't be followed, be prepared to walk away.

Start thinking about wills early, so if anything happens, there's no mess left behind.

If one person makes much more money in a marriage, learn from each other. Support each other rather than feeling bad about money differences.

To handle financial arguments in marriage, talk about the facts without emotion. Then, work on solutions together.

For financial trust, be consistent with money. Do what you say you'll do with money, so your partner knows what to expect.

And if you have a lot before marriage, think about a prenup. It's not about trust but being smart. If you bring it up, focus on protecting both of you, not just yourself.

Always remember, open and honest talks about money will help your relationship be strong and happy.

Quotes by Leila Hormozi

"Normalizing conversation around finances is what makes a relationship strong"

– Leila Hormozi

"Avoiding it just makes it harder later on, and it's going to just cause more problems"

– Leila Hormozi

"The best way to start this off is to express what you think makes sense and then ask the person does this align with your expectations"

– Leila Hormozi

"If you avoid those conversations, you delay the inevitable"

– Leila Hormozi

"You have to give yourself that time to calm down and to manage your emotions as you develop the skill of emotional management"

– Leila Hormozi

Full Transcript

talking about money can destroy a relationship questions like should you get a prenup I run a large business with my husband and over the years we have dealt with many of these I had to spent like 10 grand on the Airbnb actually 6,000 and then there was food and gas I eat Subway every day I paid for my own food I know you so today I'm going to answer some of these questions so that you and your partner can have a rock solid relationship and I'll be answering them for whether you're just dating just moved in or just got married first we're going to start with the dating category should finances be a factor in early dating I'll be honest I have girls that come to me and they're like I can't believe that he wanted to have me pay for something and I'm like well there's nothing wrong if a guy wants you to pay for something what's the wrong part is that you guys don't talk about it so I actually think that normalizing conversation around finances is what makes a relationship strong if you look at like top reasons people get divorce money and finances one of the top ones and I think it's a lot of the times because people don't start off by talking about money one of the best things I've ever done is talk about that stuff from the get-go well how do I bring that up the reality is that the first time that you talk about something that you've never talked about it's going to feel uncomfortable but you can normalize it by bringing it up more frequently don't expect the other person to bring it up first if it's on your mind just bring it up you do that by just simply stating the facts here's what I expect or would like from a financial standpoint in a partnership and just lay it out on the table avoiding it just makes it harder later on and it's going to just cause more problems than it all right let's see the next question who should pay for the first date when I was dating I always offered to pay for half of the dates and I've posted that before and people really got upset about it I love the gesture of the guy paying for the first date there is an element of this social Norm most women are conditioned like enjoy and myself included like if a guy didn't offer to pay for the first date then I would feel a little bit like oh okay so he wants me to pay for the first date that's interesting every first date that I went on I offered to pay 50% I just felt weird being like I don't even know if we're going to work out but like hey pay for all my it makes sense to me that when you're trying to figure out if something's going to work you trade off who's paying is there an element of Romance when it comes to money maybe for some people I mean maybe like piles of dollar bills you know gets you going I had a man and he was really successful he had a business that's doing like 100 million and he was like how do I date women without my money influencing the relationship and I said dude that's never going to happen because she equates that money to security for women what's attractive is the security that money brings should occupations be listed on dating app profiles for me it just sets the tone of a relationship which is like I've always wanted to be upfront honest about everything if you're already trying to use tactics to avoid telling the truth from the start of posting it in your profile that's a red flag to me about the person doing it putting everything out there from the get-go being as honest as possible even in a world where other people are not is the best way you can go about it how do you feel if someone were to hide information about what they did or how much they made early on in dating I think it's gross to hide how much money you make I know plenty of men who have done this I've also seen it not work out for them if we really dig into this question like what are people avoiding people are avoiding getting hurt the reality is is that if you want to have a relationship then you're going to have to expose yourself to all the bad to get all the good dating puts you in a very vulnerable position you know whether you're a woman or a man we just have to accept when you're going through a season where you are dating people that there are going to be times that suck but that's okay that's part of it if you want to have the good you've got to also be willing to experience the bad so now we're done with the dating section and we will move on to the commitment section when at the stage when you're moving in together what is the best way to deal with finances my first few relationships I didn't know any better it's not like I like immediately talked about money and so it did kind of like backlog until it got a point we're like okay well who's paying for what are we splitting rent like who's buying furniture who's buying groceries discussing finances with your partner when you've avoided it up until the point where you can't anymore is very uncomfortable the biggest piece of advice I would say is set the expectations upfront ahead of time also put them in writing the healthiest relationships that I've seen people have these discussions and then they write down what their agreements to each other are you bring up the conversation and say I would like to talk about what we are each financially responsible for when it comes to our home so it's like okay great I want to talk about what are shared expenses what are individual expenses so that then we have a list and we know cool okay here's the things that we share meaning either we're going to split 50/50 or we're going to alternate who pays for these things and then here's the things we take care of individually and we'll just pay for those out of our own bank account the best way to start this off is to express what you think makes sense and then ask the person does this align with your expectations or do you feel differently do you have a different opinion about this I think a lot of times the reason that these conversations get really uncomfortable is that somebody comes into it emotionally charged they avoid this conversation until something happens and then they realize they have to have the conversation but then they expedite the conversation and they have it in a state of anger or in a state of frustration and so then when they go into the conversation it doesn't feel good because the tone is off and so I think this is a great test before you move in with somebody see can I even have an adult conversation about finances with them or do I need to like take a z or drink a bottle of tequila before I do it the mature thing to do is to bring up the conversation proactively always plan for these things ahead of time when you're not in an emotional state it's great to bring up like hey if we ever moved in together how do you see us splitting the finances when is a good time to combine finances when Alex and I went through the time where his business partner went and they drained the bank account that we were putting all of like money I was making the money he was making the money we're making together I had money saved in my account and I was like I'll pay for like rent and food for the time being I never was tipped for that and neither is Alex like we just not that way it makes me happy if Alex ever wants to buy something from himself and I think it makes Alex happy to buy things for me my take is probably a little bit more logical for us it made a lot of sense to just combine finances you know neither of us had a ton of assets going into it you know we made most everything together it would be weird if two people who own 50 of their business didn't combine finances in a lot of instances when you're working with somebody and you're making money together I think that it makes it easier if you do combine finances another instance is that a lot of people are not financially equal you have to be happy about them spending your money and if you're not happy about your partner spending your money then I don't know why you would combine finances and so I think you've really got to Think Through It of like does it make my life and my relationship Better or Worse to combine finances and if you are more financially independent than the other person do I feel happy with them spending my money money do you believe in Financial incompatibility in many past relationships I loved somebody but when I realized that we were not compatible meaning I had very strong preferences this direction and they had very strong preferences in this direction I just ended it on a friendly note we should both be able to live our lives how we want and if that's not what you want in a partner then like it's cool let's just go find somebody else I just think too many people think there's something wrong with the other person and what they're thinking rather than like this is isn't a match and most people just aren't willing to walk away from a relationship what financial incompatibility means is simply that we have different preferences I would prefer to have this you would prefer to have this both of our preferences are so strong that it can't work together it makes sense that you wouldn't stay together I think most people stay in a relationship longer than the relationship provides benefit because of two things which is one you have a past history of the relationship providing benefits and then the second reason is that they have fear that they're not going to find somebody else always the fear of losing the person the reality is is that it's the same fear that people have of quitting a job of starting a business of moving away from home it's it's all the same thing it's fear of the unknown and what if nothing is better than what I have now and I think you have to be willing to take that risk to actually find the relationship where you are compatible in all facets are Financial arguments between couples psychological or organizational so a common one I've seen is that somebody comes from no money and then you make a lot of money but you still act like you have none and that you're going to lose it tomorrow I was like that for many years when we experienced the success of gym launch I think it probably took 5 Years From when we really started making money to realizing that like it's not all going to go away tomorrow when so much of your life has been not having money it's hard to believe that one day you have it and it like isn't going away I've also seen the opposite which is where somebody comes from a lot of money and they actually don't make a ton and then they come into a relationship but they still spend money and then their partner is like hey what are you doing like you've got like a pile of debt debt they're like ah a lot of times what happens is that our history with money we bring into our relationships to the other person what they're doing is irrational and what it really is is that they just haven't matched their behavior to match the new environment I would set my standards for what behaviors I find acceptable and I would not threaten them of like I'm going to break up with you if I would just say in order for us to maintain a relationship these are the behaviors I would need to see instead if you're not going to do those it's cool I just can't stay here I'm just thinking of somebody right now I wrote down these are the behaviors that he needs to change for you to make to stay in the relationship with him and then she gives them and she's like well he said and I'm like shut the up he said doesn't me jack why do you think women tend to make excuses for their m c I don't think it's that women make excuses for men I think it's that women are more afraid to leave they like the sense of security a man brings there is a point of like there are consequences for remaining the same and for not learning new behaviors that are going to help this relationship and it's like I've always wanted a relationship where it's like I'm here because my life is better with this person it's better when I'm in this relationship why do you think money is such a sensitive topic amongst couples it wasn't easy for me the first few times I ever talked about money in any relationship but what I've realized is that anything that I felt uncomfortable discussing with my spouse I made a point to talk about it more and then it finally it becomes easy there's no emotion attached to it and then you can actually have a mature productive conversation anything in life that we avoid talking about creates fear when people get into the conversation they've avoided it so long most of the time you know my advice for people is that I might look at it like the first couple times you talk about money it might be like the first Pancake you make it's like I always joke like the first Pancake is always the shitty pancake right it like soaks off all the butter the Pan's like not quite the right temperature and so like it turns out like right but like from there on out you make great pancakes and so I look at the first few times you have these conversations like don't expect it to go super well don't expect to feel good having them don't expect that it's going to like solve all your problems make the goal just to have the conversation and make it known to them that it provokes exi in you and acknowledge the fact that you're going to suck for a little bit talking about it I think it makes it much easier because you're not hiding from something if you avoid those conversations you delay the inevitable people are afraid that their partner is not going to be on the same page as them the mentality you've got to go in with is better find out now so now we are done with the commitment phase and we are going to move on to the marriage phase when is the best time to start thinking about wills for Alex and I one of our attorneys brought up to us that we should have wills and then we went through the process of doing that I think it was about 3 and a half years ago to be honest the only reason I hadn't done it sooner we just didn't think about it we're young in our 20s I'm not thinking about dying then our attorney explained to us you know all of the instances that she's had to deal with of people who obviously were young and didn't expect something was going to happen and then something does happen and then nobody knows what to do and it's a mess for everyone around the person and when she said that to me she was like then it makes it a mess for the other spouse I was like oh this feels irresponsible not to do I would start off with that as soon as possible specifically if you both have assets because anything can always happen what are the best Solutions when it comes to having Financial disparities in a marriage yeah it's a common one like if a woman starts making more money than a man you know I've had men say that it makes them really uncomfortable and you know I'm like well then you should make more money you know there's so many things that I used to feel I was under skilled with and Alex may have been incredbly skilled in those areas and so then I would look to him and say can you help me with that like I want to learn how to do that and he's done the same with me and I feel like that's the advantage of being married rather than pointing at your partner and saying like you know what I don't want me you to make more money than me you should make less money it's like teach me if your spouse makes more money than you and that makes you feel some type of way like who better to learn from than the person that you're married to to for how you can make more money if it's the other way around and your partner makes less money than you and maybe you are feeling like it's unequitable how can you help them I would just try and be their biggest supporter and encourager in shitty marriages when one person is down the other person comes down but in strong marriages when one person is down the other person Rises up and they say you know I'm going to help pull you back up here the advantage of being married is like you are Partners if the situation upsets you the first thing you want to do is not approach the situation when you're upset you want to be able to take a step back I would never want to walk into a conversation with my spouse feeling angry or upset or frustrated you have to give yourself that time to calm down and to manage your emotions as you develop the skill of emotional management when it comes to having these conversations it will go from taking you like a week to deal with your emotions before you can talk to dealing with it within a matter of minutes but in terms of how do you do that I don't think you need to do anything to feel less angry I think that you just need to give yourself time and not be focused on it or fixated on it like it's some problem you need to solve immed immediately your emotions will fade whether you do anything or not and then you will notice that within a few days you feel more like hey I can go into a conversation feeling more logical what is the best way to have hard conversations centered around money when combining your finances when married the best way to have a hard conversation whether you're married whether it's a friend whether it's an employee is the same way which is State the facts and tell the truth you took out $20,000 to buy a dress last week and didn't tell me and then you ask what do you think about that cuz what a lot of people do is they seek to punish their partner so they bring something up and the goal is to make their partner feel bad or guilty about having done it and so instead you want to open it up for a conversation of like what do you think of that well I think it's fine I think I really wanted to address and I would say I don't think we're on the same page how could we handle this moving forward so that benefits both of us and then you can lead it into a collaborative what are we going to do next time and I think that a lot of people over complicate these situations but the reality is it's like State the facts what happened ask that person what do they think about it and then follow follow it up with a way to collaborate on a solution moving forward how can you financially protect yourself in a marriage while also keeping romance in the vision of the relationship alive super interesting question because the word protect indicates that there's a threat Alex could steal my identity if you wanted to my assistant could steal my identity if she wanted to like I'm open book if you're feeling like you need to protect yourself from something I would ask two questions which is like one has this person done something to indicate that they are a threat that they will try to do something to you financially and then the second question is if they have not if there is no evidence what has happened in your past that has reinforced that belief for you and are you bringing in past experience from a past relationship into the one that you have in the present and now you're in a new relationship has that person done anything to indicate that they would be a threat to you financially and if they haven't why are you still acting in a way that you did in the situation where the person did and are you not recontextualizing your behavior because that's not going to be conducive to the future of the relationship how do you establish Financial trust with the relationship the longer that your behaviors act in accordance with the same pattern the more they will trust you now they can trust you to also not do everything in accordance the word trust does not even mean good you can trust somebody to behave badly so it's like how do you establish Financial trust within the relationship you do behaviors that are in accordance with the things you say so it's like if you want to establish Financial Trust then you need to be financially predictable for your partner we want somebody to be predictable we want to feel like we know what they're spending money on because we're spending the money together to get that from somebody is for them to do the thing enough times that you establish the trust all right heavy hitter here should you set up a prenup with your partner Alex actually asked me to sign a prenup I think he had like stocks worth like a couple hundred grand and I was like sure I don't care and then he tore up the prenup before we got married cuz he was like you just didn't even care about signing it I was like well what I would never want your money that you've made on your own that makes me I'm disgusted by that but if Alex died one I'd probably never get married again but two if I did get married I would for sure have him sign a free up but you get nothing I know a lot of people who have gotten divorced and been happy to give their wife half and wives also have been I mean I have a friend who she gave her husband half she ended up being super successful having a business worth over 100 million and then when they got for she had to pay her husband out and she was like you know what I'm happy to give it to him she was like he was amazing he raised my kids like he did all this stuff like he deserves to feel good she's like I mean I hate that I had to pay him but she's like but he deserves it you don't know the type of person they're going to be during a divor you don't and I the amount of people that I've seen be like oh I don't need a prenup they're so amazing and then they go into it and it's usually people that they had a lot of money ahead of time and then they got married to somebody who didn't have much money and then they end up getting divorced 10 15 years later and then that person just breaks them for everything they've got the way I see it is pretty simple I think people should protect themselves if you have a lot of money and you're marrying somebody who doesn't I don't know why you would not get a prenup I think it's gross when people get divorced and somebody tries to take the money that their partner made before they even knew them how would you go about like that conversation without having like the emotion behind you so just avoid it no I'm kidding I mean I would state it as its Mutual benefit hey you know we're getting married we both have assets that we've accumulated on our own I don't think it makes sense for us to combine individual assets a lot of people say like you should do a handshake deal if you don't feel like you could do a handshake deal if somebody don't do a deal with them and I'm like I agree with that you should also paper it on the other hand if you're going into a relationship and you have no assets and no money and you plan to make it together and share your assets and money maybe you don't need a prenup but if you have assets and then you're getting married I've just seen so many people get I would totally have prenup so hopefully with all those questions answered and Frameworks your relationship can now be Rock Solid