Bad B*tch Syndrome (How I’m Going into 2024)

Summary

• I've learned that acceptance of bad feelings and emotions removes much of the fear I once had; accepting the bad has made me happier and less afraid of potential negative outcomes.
• Trying to capture content during normal life activities, like walking, allows me to integrate work with my personal life without disruption, making the process more natural and authentic.
• Placing too much importance on thoughts, especially negative ones, can lead to a cycle of anxiety and stress; instead, focusing on actions over thoughts gives me freedom and has made me a happier person.
• Thoughts do not determine fate; recognizing that I can have anxious thoughts and still behave differently helps me manage them more effectively.
• It's important to question what benefits or avoidance of negatives I gain from not taking actions I know are necessary; sometimes inaction provides comfort or attention that reinforces the behavior.
• Creating an environment where the cost of not doing the uncomfortable things is higher than the discomfort itself has helped me to take action and achieve goals; sometimes this requires significant life changes.
• Choosing someone to admire and using their decisions as a framework can guide behaviors toward a lifestyle that aligns with my values, especially when goal setting is difficult.
• It's essential to distinguish between thought patterns that are positively reinforcing and those that border on delusion; focusing exclusively on either positive or negative thoughts can be counterproductive.
• Accepting that bad feelings and suffering are part of life is a more effective approach for me than trying to eliminate negativity altogether.
• Continuous trial and error and openness to new strategies helped me find what works for managing anxiety and creating a fulfilling life.
• To begin accepting uncomfortable feelings, replace avoidance behaviors with productive actions that focus on something tangible, like a new project or task.
• Feedback and suggestions from others are valuable for continuous improvement and refining approaches to life's challenges.

Video

How To Take Action

A good way of doing this is to start by allowing yourself to feel all your feelings, even the bad ones. Instead of being scared of feeling down or anxious, understand that it's a part of life. This helps take away lots of fear. It's like, when you're not afraid of the storm, it doesn't seem so scary anymore.

In your day-to-day life, mix work with things you enjoy. Like, if you love walking, think about what you can do while walking that's productive. Maybe you can think of business ideas or listen to educational podcasts. This makes it feel less like work and more natural.

Focus on what you do, not what you think. Your actions matter more than thoughts. Remember, just 'cause you think something bad doesn't mean it'll happen. So keep moving forward, even if your mind is trying to scare you.

If you're not doing something important, ask yourself why. Sometimes we don't act 'cause we're avoiding something tough or we gain something by not doing it, like comfort or attention. Be honest about this with yourself.

To beat avoidance, make it harder to skip the stuff you don't like. You might need to change big things in your life, like where you live or who you hang out with, so that the cost of not doing hard tasks is bigger than the actual task.

Find someone you admire. Think about what they would do in tough situations. Use their choices as a guide for your own.

Talk to other people and listen to their feedback. This can give you new ways to handle challenges.

And remember, keep trying different things. It's all about seeing what works for you through trial and error. If something doesn't help, try something else.

When you're up against tough emotions, do something else that's productive. Like if you're nervous about a project at work, focus on making training materials for your team instead. Change your avoidance into action that benefits you or others.

These steps are all about trying to make the best out of situations, even when they feel tough. With practice, it gets easier.

Quotes by Leila Hormozi

"I'm the happiest I've ever been feeling like I'm not afraid of bad feelings, I'm not afraid of things going wrong, I'm not afraid of my darkest emotions"

– Leila Hormozi

"I think there's a fine line between thinking positively in a way that enhances your life and being delusional"

– Leila Hormozi

"I would rather be dead than that be the reason I get attention"

– Leila Hormozi

"What do I gain from acting this way?"

– Leila Hormozi

"Find somebody whose life you want and just put things through their frame of reference"

– Leila Hormozi

Full Transcript

and I'm the happiest I've ever been feeling like I'm not afraid of bad feelings I'm not afraid of things going wrong I'm not afraid of my darkest emotions and that's what acceptance of the bad has done for me it's taken away so much of the fear I used to have now real quick uh we're going on a little walk here and we're trying something new why are we doing this cuz you had the idea but you like to walk a lot right oh yeah yeah cuz I already like to walk and so it's like how do we get content in a way that doesn't take away from normal life like would be something I'd be already doing which is like it's the end of a day and today like I would have probably already just gone on a walk anyways it's like either I'm going to go on a walk or go to the gym after work before dinner and working more so we're trying to capture in a way that doesn't like prohibit me from living my life how I want to so it's like what are things that we're already doing that we could capture content during walking as one of them uh unless we get kidnapped in that case you can get no content like just like real talk the reason that I don't find it productive for myself and for some others who might relate to me to like talk about the manifestation or not even that but like well if you think it's going to be [ __ ] day then you look for evidence it's going to be shitty day which yes I I don't disagree with at the same time then the opp you know then it's like okay if you think it's going to be a great day you're going to look for evidence it's a great day I think that both these things can be true I also just have seen it uh especially in people who are highly anxious work against them because then they fear their thoughts about not feeling good feeling shitty I'm not manifesting what if I think bad thoughts then I'm going to feel bad and it's a self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety and I used to um really struggle with that because I would get in my head too much and think like I don't know it's like a loop of don't think those bad thoughts because then it's actually going to happen but then because of that you start looking for them because your brain's saying oh bad thoughts are dangerous so your brain's on the lookout and then you're you're self- monitoring um which puts you like at a very heightened state of stress that was so much [ __ ] and then it really just doesn't feel good it's like you elevate your stress from like being practical to being like an emotional disturbance because you're stressed about being stressed because of the importance you place on the thoughts you have and I just for me to get over that um because I have probably like my whole life just had to learn how to manage a lot of what many would to say is like anxious thoughts which is probably why I like to talk about it more it's because it's something I still uh deal with in bouts like it comes and goes um is because I put I placed too much importance on my thoughts and for me what's given me a lot of freedom in my life and helped me to feel better function better has been putting more emphasis on my actions and recognizing that I can have thoughts and behave differently and that thoughts don't determine my fate and that's just helped me be a happier person because it's more useful Jesus Christ I'm like I'm just going to ruin my shoes like what is this oh God where are we I don't know yeah I honestly haven't paid attention to where we're going so this is not my Loop um that's all it is like I just I think I just think of my younger self which was and honestly like I mean every few months like I go through a couple weeks where it's just like I just feel like I'm just like in a weird head space um and that's just like what's helped me has been detaching from thoughts altogether not placing so much importance on them and instead placing on my actions you know and I think a lot of it starts also just like you know probably like labels that were put on me years ago and I used to be worried that what if I believe the labels then I start becoming the labels like I would just get so wrapped my head that [ __ ] I think so for a lot of people maybe they don't go in that direction but that's Direction I used to go in and I think that's why I'm averse to it interesting what if I find myself incapable of taking these actions well you're not that's just a lie that's a that's a false statement you are capable of taking the actions you were choing not to for some reason but what if I wake up in the morning and I'm just I'm like I continually like every morning I just keep feeling like uh like I I I know what I need to do I'm aware of it but I don't I don't do it I think often times we have to ask ourselves what am I getting from this even people and like I say this and people rag on me I think when I'm like when I talk about like depression and this and that and I'm like [ __ ] you I was literally diagnosed as depressed like it's not like literally like clinically depressed you so it's like it pisses me off because I'm like literally I've been told everying name in the book and I do not talk about it because it's not helpful and I don't want people to like say that I'm not an advocate of mental health I'm like I literally been prescribed every medication that there exists I've been told I'm clinically depressed I've been told that I'm manic I was told I have bipolar disorder I mean like Jesus Christ and the thing is is that even being depressed has a benefit which is you don't have to do anything so what do I get from acting depressed is that I don't have to be a productive member of society I don't have to enter stressful situations I don't have to go do the thing I'm afraid to do I get empathy from people people feel bad for me and then pay attention to me and nobody wants to say that but it's the truth and I literally recognize that for myself many many years ago and it was aing terrifying moment because I realized that I gained something from saying that that was what I was and it was like really hard for me because it's like very shame you know what I mean like it's embarrassing I don't even I don't even think I've ever said it out loud but I remember recognizing I actually gained something from accepting this as my reality and I think a lot of people just blame the label and then and then say that's why I can't change and I think if more people would say what do I gain from from acting as this this label is true and if they weren't so averse to the fact that it could be untrue then they would have so much more growth in their lives and so I think that's the first thing is what do you gain from acting this way you know and I think you know a lot of people don't realize how much they get from acting in a way that seems like it's ruining their lives but think about the amount of people who when they act incredibly depressed or when they act incredibly scared or lost or they get more attention than they've ever gotten in their whole life so they get reinforced for acting that way and dude the moment I realized it for myself I was like I would rather be dead than that be the reason I get attention I mean I'm not even [ __ ] with you like I was like I would rather I I would rather have the worst case scenario happened I'd rather die than live a life where I'm I seek misery because it it gets me some kind of attention I didn't get before you know and it wasn't to any extreme of any sort but but it was something it was something it was just it was a behavior that was reinforced and I think it's probably like why do kids cry parent gives them attention adults do the same [ __ ] so I would look at it and say what do I gain from from not doing what I know I need to do you're gaining something or you are avoiding a negative you're avoiding stress discomfort the possibility of uncertainty and so like when people like I don't know why I won't do the thing I'm like cuz you gain more not doing the thing than you do doing the thing that's why so first identify that and the second is how can I create a situation where if I do the thing I gain more and I lose less and so I think that's why I talk about like engineering your environment because if you can engineer your environment then you don't have a choice suddenly you'll find yourself wanting to do the thing because you've you've created Stakes of some sort this is why a lot of people benefit from having children because you see people who are dead beats and then they have kids and suddenly they get their lives together because why there were Stakes they had higher consequences for not getting their life together than they did remaining the same does that make sense yeah so how do you like or I guess a better way to say it is can you manufacture that yeah how would you recommend somebody go about manufacturing well I mean like for me when I realized I didn't want to live a life of being a of being soft of being soft when I realized I want to live a life of being soft you know I I was like I need to move out to California I need to put myself in a situation where I have to do things that I really don't want to do in order to remain in this situation otherwise what happens is I have to move back home God that would be embarrassing how embarrassing would that be and so the cost of not doing the uncomfortable things became higher when I moved because what would happen is the consequences Rose which is like the consequences would be public shame at least in my mind and that to me was unacceptable and so I think a lot of people by changing where they live changing the people they're friends with changing the people they associate with can create higher consequences for themselves and higher benefits if they do the thing so I think it just takes a sit down to say how could I in what environment would it be easier to do this than to not and I think a lot of people just don't they don't sit down and think that way I think that way every day when I'm trying to get myself to do [ __ ] I'm like how do I make it easier for me to do the things that are good for me and harder to do things that are bad for me you know um and yeah how do you identify things that are not good for you you know like some people are super self-aware but like a lot of people I think probably aren't aware of a lot of habits and things that they do often are negative well I would say does it get you further or closer to your goals or further or closer to a life you want I don't think there's any inherent good or bad I just think there's do you have the life you want or not I really cast no judgment on what a good or bad is I think there's ethics but some people don't subscribe to those so but for those of us who do have ethics I think most of the times our goals in life are based off of Ethics plus ideal you know like preferences and so it's really just like does this action take me further or closer to the kind of life I want I think that's a better frame to put it through and that's usually what I used to ask myself God why do I not know where we are I've literally never been this way oops and that's uh yeah so you kind of have to know what your goals are first then huh I don't even think it needs to be that tangible I mean who do you look up to would this action get me further or closer to that person's life I think in the beginning it's so hard to conceptualize goals I had way more people I looked up to and I just would ask myself would they do this or not you know I think that's a really useful frame for somebody who's just starting out and you probably don't have you're probably not that great at setting goals go back this way so I can figure out where we are some of you admire that has somewhat of a life you want and then ask yourself would they do this would this get me closer to that yeah like pick the person that you most look up to and use them as your decision- making framework would they do this or not and if they wouldn't do it don't do it and use that until you have enough skills to think for yourself but a lot of us haven't been thinking for ourselves I know when I was younger I didn't know how to think for myself and so it was much easier to think would this person do this or not until I gained critical thinking skills you know I remember the day that I realized I didn't have them really yeah um I realized I was really good at taking action but I hadn't I took action so much that I didn't even have it's like I don't have time oh God this car there's so much happening hit yeah I get rich oh Jesus Christ um way so I think that's a great frame to start with find somebody you look up to find somebody whose life you want and just put things through their frame of reference would they want to do this would they do this if they wouldn't do it what would they do instead if they were going to do it how would they go about it I think a lot of people can decipher that and it's often if you're not where you want to be in life it's better than remaining where you are and keep keeping your own whatever framework you've been using okay but I'm watching this I'm like but Lea how do I pick that person like how did you know like this is a good person to build this model answer you know like how do you evaluate that and make that decision is their life better or worse than yours do they have a better relationship meaning do they seem happier with their spouse or significant other do they have objectively more money than you do they uh are they more productive than you like are they able to do things more are they more able than you like they can get more done than you do they act ethically more than you I mean I would just look at all the facets of life and say say like do they rank higher than you if they do I don't care who it is it could be your next door neighbor could be a great frame as long as they're one step ahead I think a lot of people can use that frame I'm just talking in circles now did you document this like would you write it down or was it more just mental like no I've never been that methodical of writing it down I've always just thought it you know um I don't anymore I don't I don't do this anymore but in the beginning when I was just starting to try and change things it was definitely what I used is like I would look at people that I aspired to be like and think you know would they do this would they do that would they move to California would they stay at home what kind of job would they get I think it helped me a lot so back to a little bit of what I was saying earlier what would you classify as the difference between because an observation that I've made is that you use from what I see it seems like you use the power of like braining your reality to deter against negatives or not even negatives but things that would not help you get towards your goal right so when you're tired or stressed like you tend to uh say like I'm not tired right uhhuh what is the difference between that versus saying I am lucky and everything works in my favor and everything goes my direction I think there's a fine line between in a certain moment mean saying I'm not tired is a reminder to me that feelings are fleeting because they are truly if you measure feelings most of them pass within 20 to 30 minutes it's like it's science it's not this isn't like me making it up and so if somebody's like oh you don't want to do that you're tired well the likelihood that I'm tired in 30 minutes once I get into it is low so I just got to get over the hump you know and I don't also think tired is bad I think tired means I probably did a good [ __ ] job you know like I gave it my all which I I like that feeling and I think when it comes to like being like everything is amazing and this and that I don't see that as a feeling I see it as a a claim and I don't see anything wrong with a claim if you have evidence to support it um I guess actually I don't know because I've seen I here's the thing I don't like if it [ __ ] works for you it works for you if if if saying I'm lucky and this and that works for you keep doing it um I think there's a fine line between thinking positively in a way that enhances your life and being delusional and I'm very cognizant of that and I've unfortunately seen a lot of people take [Music] it too far and their life is not good and shit's not good they're delusional and they're speaking in a way because they've been told that will help that doesn't that accepts their current reality I don't even know how to verbal I'm not very articulate around this topic because I don't talk about it because it's controversial they they speak in a way that makes a current reality okay that is not and I would say that that is delusion it's like I believe that wow my life is so good all these things blah blah and all these things are coming for me it's like all right buddy it's been six months it hasn't happened your life is still [ __ ] are we just gonna sit on our ass and so I think I am all for not dwelling on the negative I'm also all for not o overly focusing on the positive because I think if you focus too much on the positive those people tend to take less action if you focus too much on the negative sometimes those people get paralyzed um or they take so much action that it overcompensates it complicates things either one in Tak it to an extreme is not great I think you want a healthy dose of both and you want to recognize when they're useful and not they're tools to be used they're not religions to live your life by does that make sense because I've also noticed that like sometimes you like in almost the opposite way really lean in to it and you're like I feel like [ __ ] today I feel like dog [ __ ] and maybe it's going to get worse you know and like I hear you do that too and I feel like you kind of whether intentionally or not and I'm curious if it is intentional like I feel like you're balancing both constant and whatever one is going to serve you best in that moment I think so um like I felt it's almost like I feel like it's like a gift from the world that like every film day something just have to happen like the last two film days some big legal thing drops before we film this film day I don't get my period until it's 17 days late and it happens on film Day morning and I'm like in bed for an hour and a half like just trying to be able to move and I'm like dude it's so funny how that stuff works out but I think I always in situations that I can't control like to mentally prepare myself for the worst because the worst very may may very well happen and I don't I think surpr sures are worse than our worst feelings like the worst feeling is a bad thing that happens and we're surprised about it so if I prepare myself that it's going to get worse it's like I've just accepted it and I think for me acceptance is a really powerful tool um and accepting that there's a lot of times you're going to feel shitty and you're going to suffer has been a lot more helpful for me than a lot of the other tools like trying to get rid of the bad has has not helped me as much as sorry trying to get rid of the bad has been a lot less helpful for me than just accepting the bad happens if that makes sense and so I think for me the reason that like lucky girl in the manifestation um it just hasn't worked I mean I've been more reinforced through the other things than I have through that probably because uh I get I have the tendency to thought like think in Loops when it comes to how I'm feeling or at least I I used to it it doesn't happen as much anymore but every once in a while I stumble upon into one um where stuff's going really well and then I start to think oh God what if it starts to go bad now I'm feeling too good and so for me I'm actually it's weird because the way I say it now it's it's like the funniest thing is that when I say it it sounds like oh I bet you she's not happy and I'm the happiest I've ever been feeling like I'm not afraid of bad feelings I'm not afraid of things going wrong I'm not afraid of my darkest emotions and that's what acceptance of the bad has done for me it's taken away so much of the fear I used to have and I don't know you know I've desensitized myself to it I'm not afraid to think about the bad stuff I'm not afraid to talk about it I'm not afraid for it to happen you know I don't want it to I don't have to like not like yes give it to me I'm not a sadist but but I no longer am controlled and propelled in the opposite direction by it does that make sense yeah you definitely weren't born that way so how how did you train yourself to do this and how do you feel like somebody watching or listening could train themselves to do the same I think I got really lucky and I got introduced to people who understood a lot of the science behind Behavior change and I think that I am very compliant and I think for most of my life I think a lot of us just want to feel good right and we do a lot of things because we think they're going to make us feel good ultimately it's like we want the good feeling right um whether it's in the long term or the short term the smarter humans find ways to feel they sacrifice feeling good in the short term to feel good in the long term But ultimately it's a good feeling right um it's been so long it's not like it's something that could be distilled down and I don't think I'm an expert at teaching it or doing it to distill anything down into one framework and I think a lot of it has just been trying a lot of [ __ ] that didn't work I think I've tried everything I think since I was a kid I've tried everything to cope destroy manage a feeling of anxiety that many classified when I was young as a problem and I just found a lot of stuff that didn't work you know it made it it made it stronger it made it worse it made me feel like my life got worse not better and then I I've been open enough to never stop trying that eventually you find things that do work and not just in the short term but you see that they work over a long enough time Horizon because now that I'm old enough it's I've been trying this stuff for decades literally since I was like a teenager and then I keep doing more of the stuff that works and keep trying more things that are adjacent to it and then I build my own little recipe of what works for me I think the key is just being open to trying things and recognizing when something doesn't work and not continuing to go down that path like not saying I'm going to keep trying it because it's like just pivot just try something else and then find what works for you I think that's probably it it's just been like trial and error most of my life so if I were to ask you like I'm I'm trying to you know get better at accepting shitty feelings you know a lot of things on my PL right now uh in a many different directions yeah that I'm not used to and projects I've never been a part of what would you say is the first step I should say not not the blueprint but just the first step to start working on accepting feeling shitty and not trying to avoid identify the one situation in which this happens most frequently where you feel shitty and avoid it and then write down your plan of not stopping avoiding it but what you're going to do instead so it's not that we want to stop and do nothing it's that we want to replace your behavior with something else you know for somebody who gets anxious when they fly on a plane you know instead of you know saying sit on the plane and deal with your anxiety they say I want you to bring your favorite book on the plane and I want you to read the book the whole time and so the task is to read the book on the plane not to not feel anxious and I look at the same with like a work setting it's like okay well you have all these things going on this and that it's like well you know say I'm trying to think of a good example say You're really nervous about how this the outcome is going to be of a certain project I would say like well what what's something you could do that would be productive in the meantime it's like all right well maybe I'm going to put together team training okay so like what I want you to do is you have nothing more to do with this team project but you're worried about the outcome so instead I want you to start working on something else I want you to work on putting together this team training and rehearsing it and then I want you to put it on for the whole team on Thursday and that would that would just be the task it's like work no more on the other project instead work on this thing and that is all I hope you guys liked something from the first walk and talk we want to keep doing these Walkin talks uh if it's like dark you don't know where you are you can't find your way it's because we're walking in the dark and there's not a lot of lights here it's not perfect the first go round but would love to hear what other topics you guys want to hear about and just any feedback you have overall for future Walkin talks I like literally it's actually so I forgot we were doing this and wore these which happened at our [ __ ] San Diego trip yeah those heels yes