opening up about my hardest moments

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opening up about my hardest moments

Summary

  • When I woke up at my parents' house after my sixth arrest, I had to confront my father which was a sickening moment.
  • At 19, I was really overweight, having gained about 80 pounds and avoided cameras because I was ashamed of my appearance.
  • The turning point came after a hurtful comment at a party made me face my weight gain and I went home with white-hot rage directed at myself.
  • I made a Facebook post announcing my decision to stop partying, clean up my diet, join a gym, and commit to a healthier lifestyle, as I realized I needed a significant change.
  • Substantial weight gain made me fear my future if I didn't act; I felt it necessary to make a drastic change instead of incremental steps.
  • I changed my environment by moving out from a shared house that wasn't conducive to my goals and lived alone to enforce my new resolutions, despite the challenges.
  • Focusing on my future instead of dwelling on the past helped eliminate the hold my history had on me.
  • I believe in the importance of self-therapy and that some therapeutic relationships can create unnecessary dependency.
  • I studied Albert Ellis and learned that changing behavior is key regardless of the past; understanding the 'why' isn't as important as changing unproductive behaviors.
  • Acting differently from how I feel has been transformative—I don't have to let my feelings dictate my actions.
  • Experiencing negative emotions is normal; I found labeling them as wrong or unusual is unhelpful.
  • I accept feeling awful and have developed the ability to function efficiently despite it, empowering myself to handle any situation.
  • During my early 20s, I felt invincible and ignored the consequences of my actions. It took my father expressing fear for my life to prompt a change.
  • My father's unconditional support and reflection of my true self have been key anchors in my life, teaching me the value of unwavering support for others.
  • Dealing with online negativity, I learned to own any personal characteristics that others may mock and developed resilience to comments.
  • Embracing ownership of all aspects of my life has provided freedom and allows me to focus on solutions instead of blaming others.

Video

How To Take Action

A good way of doing life changes is to announce your commitment to others. Just like when I got angry at myself for gaining weight and posted on Facebook to declare my change, you can too. Share your goals with friends or social media. This can help you stick to them.

When you want to turn your life around, think about moving to a different place. Like when I moved from my old house, a different environment can help you focus on your new goals. You don't have to move far, but change places where you spend a lot of time.

Remember to work on your future instead of focusing on the past. Just like I stopped letting my history bother me, you should too. Focus on what you can do now.

Try using self-therapy. Learn about people like Albert Ellis. Changing how you act is often more helpful than finding out why you do things. Act differently from how you feel and don't let bad feelings control you.

Accept negative emotions. Don't think it's wrong to feel bad. When I learned to function well even when feeling awful, I became more powerful. You can do the same.

Own your life. When I embraced all parts of me, like dealing with people making fun of my voice, I became stronger. Find things that are hard for you to hear and learn to be okay with them. It gives you freedom.

Don't blame others. When I started taking responsibility for all that I do, I could fix things instead of wasting time on blaming. You should try this too. It can make a big difference.

Quotes by Leila Hormozi

"You can change how you behave despite whatever happened to you."

– Leila Hormozi

"There are times when incremental change makes sense and then there are times when there's so much inertia in One Direction, the wrong direction, that I think you need to just completely put a stop to it."

– Leila Hormozi

"The more that I focused on working on my future, the less the past had power over me."

– Leila Hormozi

"I would rather spend a lot more time solving problems than dwelling in them."

– Leila Hormozi

"I don't know about you, but I would rather spend a lot more time solving problems than dwelling in them."

– Leila Hormozi

Full Transcript

on my sixth arrest I woke up at my parents house and my father was waiting downstairs for me which was like the worst one of the most sickening moments of my life and then have to walk downstairs to confront them I can still feel how I felt in that moment it was awful when I was 19 I was really overweight I think at that point I'd gained gained like 80 something pounds it was to the point where it's like I can't even find a picture because I completely avoided a camera like there's one it's just my head and it's pretty bad but that's it um and I remember I was at it was the weekend of my friend's birthday and she said she wanted to have a party and she was going to invite a bunch of people from high school and immediately I just felt like a complete sense of anxiety wash over me because I thought oh my gosh I looked so much better then you know but I've like spiraled into gaining all of this weight and I felt like oh gosh I really hope I don't run into anybody and so the weekend comes and you know it's the start of the party I think we're pregaming whatever people are coming in nobody's saying anything right and I'm it's like this big for me it felt like an elephant in the room like hi I haven't seen you since I gained 80 PBS right like I am aware of this and nobody was saying anything it was all going as planned like it it felt fine and then it was probably close to the end of the night and I went to go to the bathroom and I walked through the hallway and there was this guy that I've been a friend with in high school who was there and I saw him and I was like oh hey and he was like Hey and he was like man such a shame and I was like what and I just like in that moment knew he was going to say something and he said he's like dang he's like it was so crude um but it was like it's really just a shame cuz like you used to be so hot but you're just so fat and I was like wow and in that moment all I felt was like white hot like your eyes see red you know like white hot rage and funny enough it was not at him at all it was completely at myself because my first thought after he said it was I agree you're right I would and it was like I couldn't even be mad at the guy because I'm like what are you doing stating the facts like I'm aware as well and I left early and I went home and I just felt so compelled to do something I remember I got on Facebook because Facebook was cool at the time and I made a post that was like I'm done I'm I'm done partying you're not going to see me I have to go work on some things like I'm out it was just this ominous very vague post and that was the day I woke up the next morning and I threw out all all the food in my house that was junk I literally drove to Planet Fitness joined Planet Fitness gym and then I said I'm done drinking it was like in that instant I made this decision where I thought to myself it just felt like it was a deviation from the path I was on being that overweight and in that moment I felt like am I gonna let this get worse you know is am i g to show up two years from now at a party what what am I gonna be 400 pounds because like if we continue to go down this path at the rate I've gained weight that's what would happen and that thought when I had that where I was like what if I were to show up in that many years and what's stopping me from that Why Stop Now you keep gaining weight what's going to stop and I just thought it was so unacceptable of a thought to me I was like that cannot be my future it was so terrifying that I I felt like I had to immediately change in that moment and that's been something that's served me so much throughout my life which is like there are times when incremental change makes sense and then there are times when there's so much inertia in One Direction the wrong direction that I think you need to just completely put a stop to it and in that moment that was one of those I was like we need to go snowball in the other direction and so instead of like let me just slowly make life I was like screw it everything goes out the window today new I am no longer who I was I am now this new person you eat well you don't hang out with people who drink all the time you don't do drugs all the time and you out and it was really hard and terrifying because I had not been out of shape before but going into a gym being overweight was so hard for me like walking in there feeling like everyone was staring at me feeling like I was out of shape you know saying no to all the social things I'd been going to and drinking at it was really hard for me I didn't know how to say no to people and say like that's not what's best for me right now and then basically I I ended up actually moving out of the house I was in because I lived with uh five six other roommates in a house and I felt like that environment is not one that is conducive with the future that I want and I don't think staying here is going to help me reach my goals and so I moved out and the last I think year and a half that I was in college I lived by myself which is like unheard of you know especially for a woman um but I just didn't know another way that I could like cold turkey stop I needed to change my environment I'd been to therapy in and out and talked to plenty of therapists and life coaches all these things and I constantly felt like it just reopening something that I would never find a resolution to the more that I focused on working on my future the less the past had power over me and the less relevant it was to my my life and especially knowing that what 50% of it could be made up I'm like what if it was better what if it was worse I don't know you know this is my memory and my recollection but I don't want to live my life beholden to a past that might not even be true and so I just went heads down and like I'm going to create such a compelling life for myself that I don't even think about the past you know there's great waitresses and there's awful waitresses there are great therapists there are awful therapists how does the person in the room know to judge often times they don't and so I think a lot of people fall prey to people that create dependency on them you know I actually think in studying what I have which is in studying like some of the best you know psychiatrists and therapists from hundred years ago um most therapies should only take six eight weeks and I think that we created a culture in which people are dependent on therapy so that they can keep coming back and they get recurring Revenue so I look at it more as like that's a great business model for a therapist is that good for the patient probably not also through a lot of the things that I studied I just realized there is also self therapy which is that you can therapize yourself now who I've studied the most for this has probably been Albert Ellis I've read like all of his books um but I think that what I've realized is that you can change how you behave despite whatever happened to you and so most people say let me figure out why this happened like why are you so upset about your son of course you're upset what the hell you know what I mean like of course I'm upset that my what the hell like that's normal and okay to be that upset but is there anything that can be done about it it's like no and then I think that people tend to demonize maybe the way that we feel afterwards and say that there must be something wrong with you for feeling depressed that's baffling to me that people would think that there's anything wrong with feeling depressed or anxious or you know like you have something wrong with you because I think when we feel like the true depths of negative human emotions we do wonder if there's something wrong with us but that's just life and I think that we live in a society where people label it as there's something wrong with you and I think I actually fell prey to it for a few years where therapists were telling me there was something wrong with me and I you know after that I kind of took a step back I was like I think there's something wrong with you because you're labeling me you know and I'm doing all these things to make my life better and you keep telling me why it shouldn't be and why it's okay to feel this way and keep reopening these wounds and I just noticed it wasn't helping but what did help every time was that I focused on the future and I changed my behavior and I didn't allow anything that's ever happened to me in the past to be a reason of why I behave a certain way today you know I could easily say oh I don't get close to people I've got walls up and so I'm a little colder what I'm a fully functioning 31-year-old adult I can decide to act in a more productive way in my relationships so what happened when I was 14 should affect what it happens when I'm 31 like what happens is that an event occurs and then often times to deal with that event we take on unproductive behaviors and then we don't stop and they go on for 10 or 15 years and then we say well in order to change this unproductive Behavior I should figure out why this thing happened to me and put reason behind it and I've just found that what if I just change the unproductive behavior and it didn't matter why I was doing it but I changed it anyways and so I think that's the kind of approach that I've taken to things is I look at it very much like I am not in control always we don't choose the thoughts and feelings we have some days like we can choose to focus on things but can I choose if it pops up in my head like no um I can observe it and try not to focus on it but what I can do is that despite what I think and despite what I feel I can change my behavior and that has been like the one thing that has brought me relief in everything because I can feel as bad as I want I don't have to act that way and I think that I've gotten a lot of relief from that but I don't know for me it felt very unproductive talking about all of those things because I think that a lot of them also are predicated on I think that imagine this right somebody dies and you live in one of the you know Western or Eastern uh Indian countries right they celebrate death and their happy and they're Overjoyed that those people are dead and then they move on and go on with their lives here we're told it's a bad thing and we should be sad and therefore people grieve for months years decades and so when I hear that I think to myself it's all in a way expectations societal norms and almost the placebo effect you know I remember when I broke up with a boyfriend and then I moved across the United States to California and a therapist told told me and she was probably the only good therapist I've ever had um I said I just you know I I just can't get over him I'm just so sad and she's like well how long has it been I said two months she's like how long were you together 14 months she's like why are you still s and I was like well I heard it takes like half the time you've been with somebody to get over them she said I think that's Lea and in the moment I was stunned that a therapist would say that's and I was like what do you mean she's like it takes however long you decide it to take start living your life again and that frame I have applied to pretty much everything because I have just found that continuing to think about things that don't make our lives better just tend not to help us I think I found for me that the more that I try to get rid of a feeling the more I feel it if I'm feeling frustrated or I'm feeling angry or I'm feeling anxious and then I think oh you shouldn't feel this way I don't want to feel like this let me go do something to try and not feel like this I actually create more of it because I think I'm just guessing it's like I'm telling myself it's not okay and therefore now I'm stressed about feeling stressed I'm not just stressed I'm now stressed of feeling stressed and so for me I've just found that what has worked best has been I accept that I'm going to feel awful and I can get really good at feeling awful in fact I think that I have mastered feeling awful and that's what people don't get they're like how do you do all these things I'm like I'm really great at doing anything feeling awful like I can speak on stage while I feel awful I can lead a meeting while I feel awful I can do a presentation while I feel awful I can run a book launch while I feel awful I can do all these things while I feel awful and I think that most people when they feel awful act awful they stay in bed they act depressed they act how they feel and what I have found is that that just compounds the feeling of bad whether it's stress anxiety or awfulness grief Etc you feel more that way because you behave that way for me what I found is that one eventually I will start to feel less awful if I stop thinking about it and I start doing the thing right because I'm going to be more focused on what I'm doing than how I'm feeling and then second to that is if I can do something while feeling awful how easy is it to do it when I feel good how much more skilled will I be at that thing and so that's I've looked at it in that way which is like I I seek out to do things in imperfect conditions because then when there are perfect conditions I have an unfair Advantage I don't feel awful today I got a full night's sleep I'm prepared amazing this is going to be a cakewalk you know because I'm used to being up all night the night before being stressed not being prepared because something was last minute and doing it anyways and so does it feel good in the moment no but it creates a sense of confidence that then turns into a feeling of trust with myself and that is something that is worth so much more to me than feeling good every day I would love to maybe talk about like maybe the first arrest like what was one of those moments like I don't think that the first even three or four times that I got arrested I didn't think it was a big deal and I think that a lot of people would assume that I would have but one context of like the town I was in lots of people got arrested it wasn't like a novel thing the people I hung out with got arrested wasn't a novel thing some of them had been to jail or prison so it wasn't weird based on the people I hung out with and then I think even further to that point I I think there's this shift that happens when you're in your early 20s and I can't I don't know anything about the science of it but all I know is that until a certain point in my life I felt invincible I felt like I could do things I could drive drunk I could drink I could act all sorts of ways and I wouldn't have to bear the consequences that others would I know that there's a saying in the Army where they say it's like the best friend syndrome or something to that degree I would have to look it up and basically what it is is that they ask everyone that joins the Army are you afraid of dying and they say no I'm not afraid of dying but I'm worried Jimmy my best friend's going to die well interview all the people that come to the Army literally everyone's worried about their friend and not themselves and what are the stats some of them are going to die and I think that the same went for me at that point in my life which was like oh I understand where this is going but that won't be me I'm not going to be one of those people I'm not actually going to end up getting put in jail I'm not actually going to end up drinking myself to death I'm not actually going to end up with any of those things and it wasn't until my dad on my sixth arrest I woke up at my parents house and my father was waiting downstairs for me which was like the worst one of the most sickening moments of my life to wake up there where I didn't live have a ticket next to me of my arrest and then have to walk downstairs to confront them it was just like opening the door to walk down was like I can still feel how I felt in that moment it was awful and I remember thinking that he was going to like come down on me tell me how awful I am he doesn't want to talk to me again whatever and I was prepared for that but what I wasn't prepared for was that I walked down and he was sitting on the couch with my stepmother and he looked at me and he just looked sad and he said I'm not going to try and control you I'm not going to try and threaten you I'm not going to try and do anything I just want to let you know that I am worried if you continue to do this that you're going to kill yourself and it was like in that moment the fact that he thought that that that would happen to me it was just baffling and that was what in my mind that was the thing that made me like I I can't do this anymore I can't drink my father is like the the nicest person he came here from Iran he started this family he's only done everything to try and make my life better everything that he's done for me he's been a fantastic father and to feel like I put him in a situation where he's worried I'm going to kill myself and I respect my dad's opinion it was the moment that I was like I can't do this anymore like I can't drink like this I can't keep getting arrested like I can't keep around if you didn't have a role model like your father like what what did the situation look like I think my dad has been the anchor for me many times in my life like I think very angry and I don't think that's like a an emotion that I think a lot of girls get sad but I was angry and like raging at all points in times at everybody and my dad was so empathetic and so patient with me and he was I in many ways I think he was the reason I was able to stop acting that way because it was like no matter what he didn't let me skip any commitments I had he was like you're still going to do all these things doesn't matter how you feel it doesn't matter all this like you've got to stick with your commitments So to that degree I I think he anchored me a lot at that age and then I think as I got older you know when I was spiraling drinking all the time and doing drugs having him say that again it's not like it was something I didn't know but I think sometimes having somebody from the outside say it is much more powerful especially in those moments where you're convincing yourself otherwise and I think that that's what my dad has done for me so many times in my life is he's kind of pulled it he has just provided me with a mirror at which to accurately see myself and you know I don't know if anyone else would have done that because I think that what I was doing was not abnormal for the people around me but it was for him and I think that that's why I'm so grateful for him because my whole life he's been that he's just been the anchor I think there's been so much fluctuation life changes so much there's all these things even my dad you know one day he won't be here but while he is he is a complete rock for me and I I think he's also inspired me to do that for other people is there a particular moment or story that would encapsulate or describe your dad to to somebody else yeah I don't even know why I'm crying but um I remember when I moved out of my mom's house and in with my dad I was so anxious and I was so um scared mad whatever I felt so weird because I I moved in with him he was now married and then they had her kids in the the house and then it was just me and I felt so out of place I felt so much unfamiliarity you know I hadn't been as close with him growing up as I had been with my mother so it felt weird at first you know he wasn't at that point I wouldn't have considered my dad The Rock I do now it became that after I moved in with him but I remember I told him I didn't feel like it felt like home and I would like lay awake at night feeling like this isn't my house I feel scared I feel uncomfortable and I remember remember one day I came home and my dad had had been looking and I think we were at a store and I saw this furniture set and it was you have to think I'm 15 a girl at the time it had this beautiful white crested vanity and bed and dresser and it was so beautiful and I remember I was like oh my gosh this is so pretty it's so beautiful but it was so expensive you know and I wasn't thinking I would ever get furnisher anyways we always had hand me- down stuff we never got like new stuff and I remember I came home one day and I walked into my room and it was all the furniture I'd seen at the store and my dad looked at me and he was like you know you you deserve everything like I want you to feel comfortable here I want you to feel safe and at home and I remember thinking to myself like I just don't deserve you as a father because I was so angry and it's so funny because I broke down in tears because I felt so undeserving of that furniture I couldn't even fathom that my dad spent that much money on it for me who was acting like a complete but that's who he is he's the guy that shows up when you're acting like a complete and he's there to be like but you're not like this isn't who you are and you're going to get back on track and he's unwavering in that instance like no matter how I'm feeling my dad doesn't change how he shows up and I think that that's why I consider him to be a rock and that's what I think that I have been able to emulate for others which is like no matter how angry somebody is no matter how sad they are no matter how depressed no I won't waver and therefore they can rely on me because how they feel isn't going to change how I show up and I think that was like the best gift he could have given me cuz to this day he does that I know you've had to deal with a lot of conflict online how have you dealt with that it was very hard for me in the beginning to deal with negativity online because I think it never comes in the ways that you expect it like you expect people will say one thing about you but then it's almost like whatever blind spots you have about yourself that maybe you didn't notice or you didn't think were bad or didn't think were weird people exposed you to them in the comments right and so then you you're like oh my gosh I didn't think that was weird number one thing for me my voice everyone always is tearing apart are you a smoker are you a are you uh what's the third one smoker are on steroids and I'm like how could anyone ever think that and for the first I want to say year that I made content it was hard for me I was like you know first I took the like I'm going to read all the comments every time and just like take it to the gut you know and I'm going to get stronger if I read them and you know that sometimes was really tough when like you know a Tik Tok video would hit off and there would be like a thousand comments saying like are you on steroids are you a are you a smoker and I was like wow like nobody even listens to the content and it wasn't until I had a conversation with Alex where I said like I hate that this bothers me it doesn't change what I'm doing I continue to make the content I'm continuing to do everything I'm doing but I am bothered by this and he said well does part of you think it's true and I was like is what true he's like do you think your voice is weird and I was like well it is kind of weird like I it's deep it's always been deep and raspy and he's like so then why do you blame them for thinking this and I was like I don't and it was like in that moment I was like I agree with you it does sound that way I do sound like I'm on steroids or a tranning or a smoker and you know what that's my voice and it is what it is and I think it's funny because I remember that moment and from that point on I see the comments and I don't it's so seldom ever bugs me ever anymore it's like I agree I have a weird voice own it just own your and anytime I see anyone say anything about just anything negative in the comments of of course people at times are going to think um you know because I'm married to Alex maybe it's like oh she's just riding his coattails or you know I got my nose done and they're like oh she's very insecure about all her looks like of course the things that I'm putting out there would make people think that I don't blame them for thinking those things can I understand why people comment those things no but I'm also glad I don't have their life and it is what it is so I think for me a lot of the times that I see people really struggling with the hate they get online it's because in some way they agree with it and it is true my voice is deep and weird the theme I think of your lie foremost is just ultimate ownership like how important is it to just have ownership over everything I think it has brought me a sense of freedom because when you blame other people you steal yourself you rob yourself of the opportunity to do anything about the situation you know and so is it somebody else's fault maybe is it still your problem to deal with yes and so you know is it my fault my voice is so low I don't know do I still get to deal with it yes um I've just like seldom are the people who are the cause of our problems also the ones to fix them it's us and I just feel like a lot of time is wasted trying to figure out who we need to blame rather than just getting to the solution and I don't know about you but I would rather spend a lot more time solving problems than dwelling in them

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