Why You Should Stop Saying “Sorry”

Summary

• Instead of perfecting your apologies, focus on avoiding the behaviors that lead to them.
• Apologies are overvalued in our culture; a meaningful apology should be accompanied by a plan for change.
• When I apologize, I commit to a plan and take action to change my behavior.
• Simply saying "I'm sorry" does not improve a relationship or behavior.
• In intimate relationships, repeated apologies without change can lead to increased frequency of issues and eventual breakdown of the relationship.
• To resolve issues, I advise identifying specific behavior changes and asking the affected person for input if you're not sure what to change.
• Apologies without behavior change or consequences should not allow someone to retain their position, as it negatively affects team dynamics and performance.
• Performance in other departments can suffer if there's a person with bullying behavior in a connected department. It's important to address this early on.
• Leaders must assess whether they have the skill and scope to help a team member change their behavior or if it's better for the team to remove that individual.
• You should assess the return on effort (ROI) for helping someone change their behavior versus allocating those resources to other team members or hiring a new person.
• Perceptions are powerful; if you act like a bully, regardless of intent, you will be perceived as such.
• Forgiveness should be focused on future behavior rather than excuse past behavior. Consider the frequency of the offenses and make sure they are decreasing.
• A true apology should be demonstrated through actions and changes in behavior.
• Showing a change in behavior is more effective than just verbal apologies—it's evidence that a person has truly learned from their mistake.
• Emotional reactivity should be reduced for better personal and professional relationships; engaging in fewer unnecessary apologies can be a part of that.
• When someone apologizes, it often halts the push for behavior change. Instead of dwelling on mistakes, focus on the next steps to move forward.

Video

How To Take Action

I would suggest that to really learn from a mistake, start by recognizing what you did wrong without just saying "I'm sorry." Then, create a clear plan to change your behavior. If you're not sure what to do differently, ask the person you've upset for their thoughts. This can help you and the other person move forward.

To show you are truly sorry, take actions that prove you're making changes. For example, if you've been mean or acted like a bully, don't just apologize – change how you act. Show kindness and work on not bullying anyone.

Also, think about whether it's worth it to help someone who keeps making the same mistakes. If helping them is taking lots of effort and not improving, it might be better to focus on others or bring in someone new who doesn't have these issues.

Here are steps to make a change:

1. Understand what you did wrong.
2. Come up with a plan to do better.
3. If you're unsure, talk to the person you've hurt and ask what you can change.
4. Act on your plan and show you can do better.
5. If you make a mistake, focus on what you can do next, not on what went wrong.
6. Spend your time and effort on people who are willing to improve.

Remember, be kind and patient with yourself and others as everyone tries to do better.

Quotes by Leila Hormozi

"Instead of getting good at apologizing, get good at just not doing the thing you're doing."

– Leila Hormozi

"We overvalue apologies."

– Leila Hormozi

"If somebody was really sorry, they would change their behavior."

– Leila Hormozi

"Saying 'I'm sorry' isn't going to make our relationship better, it's not going to change my behavior."

– Leila Hormozi

"Show me, don't tell me."

– Leila Hormozi

Full Transcript

if somebody says I'm sorry I don't give a like instead of getting good at apologizing get good at just not doing the thing you're doing something else I think I could start off with like I just want to like get into it you know what I mean so context behind it I think is there's been like multiple situations recently where different people have acted a certain way that has been mean or just like bullying but then they apologize and then say that's not what I meant to do and I'm like I don't give a like instead of getting good at apologizing get good at just not doing the thing you're doing something else we have a culture of we overvalue apologies I think most people do things because other people do things it is in many cases socially acceptable or it's normal that when somebody says I'm sorry we excuse the behavior and do not expect them to change or anything we don't put a plan in place if somebody was really sorry they would change their behavior like I've realized for myself even with like Alex for example I will say I'm sorry but I actually say I am sorry here's what I'm going to do moving forward and then I commit to a plan with myself as how I'm going to change my behavior and so I don't think oh me saying I'm sorry is going to change the relationship or make it better right saying I'm sorry isn't going to make our relationship better it's not going to change my behavior me putting a plan in place and determining what I need to do differently is going to make it better it seems like that's the difference between like an apology and a real apology that like you would accept is if it is accompanied by commitment to action I would say it's commit to a plan which you could make on your own or you could collaborate with the person depending on what kind of relationship it is the same goes for Intimate Relationships you know couples's fighting um a lot of the times somebody will do something bad or unethical to the other partner and then they will say I'm sorry and then they get back together because punishment Fades say four or 6 weeks later the same thing happens they say I'm sorry they get back together but the frequency continues to go up and it happens faster and faster until eventually like something happens right which is usually ends but it's like wouldn't you want to end it before that happens but I think the way to resolve it is what I've given like advice to people who have asked me is what are you going to do differently due to this mistake or mishap like what Behavior will you change and sometimes that means asking the person asking your boss asking your spouse asking your friend what can I do differently next time if you don't know ask because I've noticed this cycle of somebody does a thing then they apologize for doing the thing and they're very good at apologizing and so everyone says oh they didn't mean to and now they get to keep their job there's no punishment there's no consequences nothing I wouldn't say punishment there's no Behavior change there's no feedback given sometimes there is feedback given and there's no demonstration of change and so why is this person still on the team if they have bullied somebody you have told them not to bully somebody and told them what to do instead they have not done that and instead just done the same thing again three times now the whole team avoids them and hides from them and you keep them on the team anyways what I see is that that department that that person represents for example there's one where it's like a marketing department and then the two closest departments sales and customer success have gotten worse while this Department's gotten better do I think that's because of the skill of the person or the fact that this person bullies these two people and so you see how it translates into the performance of the business which is frustrating because they all point to like I think it's the onboarding deck or that I'm like it's the fact that Sally is a bully and she bullies the head of sales and the head of customer success and so then they don't perform in their job they don't apply discretionary effort and there because of that the business suffers why do you think these Cycles it's the unwillingness of somebody to say hey you know what that person is a bully they're acting like one I don't want to have them on my team and the next national thought is a lot of leaders like but I should be helping them change do you have the skill to help them change do you have access to somebody who does have the skill is that within the scope of your job there was a decent amount of leaders that exhibited bully like behavior to their teams and I was on there and said like I do not think this person is a good fit it has been clear that they have shown us that they will say these words and then they just do it again and then say these words there's no consequence in order and so the cycle continues to happen because of that they they say the same thing every time which is well they didn't mean to do that they didn't mean to come off that way they didn't intend to be mean to the person and the question that I shoot back at them is so who does does anybody intend to be a complete dick or bully to people no they do the thing and so like the thoughts that are coming through your head or the feelings or the desire for something else to occur is irrelevant because you acted as a bully right in those situations you cannot prove the existence of these thoughts or feelings that you say that you have and even if you do they are irrelevant to the fact that you acted in this way therefore you are perceived in that way will you say more about this idea of like perception is reality because I think it it it's really important if you behave like a mean person people perceive you as a mean person no thought or feeling that you claim to have had which they cannot prove the existence of is going to change their mind they just have the evidence which is that you acted in you said these words to me you raised your hands you raised your voice you know you told you threatened me you told me you were going to fire me if I didn't do these things and so to that person you have acted like a bully whether you meant to or not doesn't really matter and I think that a lot of times it also means like people say because I didn't intend to do something that I am not a bully I didn't mean to bully the person therefore I'm not a bully okay well then what the [ __ ] constitutes a bully and it's just frustrating me lately because I think I've had a lot of conversations with people who have said no I am not punishing well you are because you do it do you find Value in trying to understand what was going through their head and their intention I find Value in trying to understand what somebody was thinking when they made a mistake I find less value in treating it differently because I know why for example on a team if somebody does something that exhibits like punishing Behavior to my team and I talk about and I represent somebody who who I don't do that with my team I do not intentionally punish people or threaten people to get them to change their behavior right and I think we all know that if somebody else on my team were to do that and they did it in front of a team say in front of a group of people 10 people 15 people but then later they tell me why they did it and it was a reason that I'm like okay them thinking these things it made sense because in their past they were reinforced for acting that way okay well how long will it take me to change their behavior how long will it take for the team not to be terrified of that person can I afford that in my business and so sometimes in business it's like you sacrifice one for many it's like determining who's on and off the bus I think is really imperative the world is not perfect like even if I have the skill to change someone's Behavior I have to ask myself realistically like how much time is that going to take what's my Roi what's my return on my effort for changing that person's Behavior could I get a larger return if I put my efforts onto the people who don't have these adverse behaviors or if I got somebody new because maybe it would take me 6 months to change this person's behavior all the meanwhile like the team they're not interacting with that person they're not having those interactions they're not seeing any progress made and so they just have this perception that that's what is okay with Lila and you might not even have a 100% probability that like you're going to be able to change the behavior even after but I think a a better question to ask is like for me it's understanding what is within my scope as somebody's boss in terms of helping be change their behavior because I tend to reach outside my scope because I I have the ability and I've demonstrated that to myself in many relationships in my life that I could but just because you can doesn't mean you should and so I think it's asking yourself like given this relationship what is within my scope of work you know what is worth my return on effort if you took that effort that you put to helping that one person change for 8 months and you had the likelihood of like you know may maybe 50% or whatever but if you took that and you spread it around all of your team or on to the two people with the most potential like how much more return would you get on your effort do you think if someone acts in the way they did not intend to they should be for when they apologize I think we would have to Define what forgiveness means like what does it mean to forgive somebody I think a lot of the times when we say like oh I forgive you it's like I excuse that behavior I think something that would be more productive would be like I understand you are human what can we do to prevent that behavior from happening again but my question is how frequently does it happen you know if somebody [ __ ] up one time a year I mean I [ __ ] up more than one time a year you know what I mean uh like in within the context of a certain situation if they [ __ ] up once a year okay but if they [ __ ] up every week so I think it has more like for me it has to do with the frequency of the fuckups is the frequency going up or down and so if it's going down I would say that's progress if it's going up I would say that that's not progressing it's interesting cuz it's like what's actually happening with somebody when they apologize like I don't know this like is occurring to me the day I'm like somebody apologizes and then somebody says I forgive you it's like nothing nothing's happening you know what I'm saying like there's literally [ __ ] nothing and so if no action is coming from that people are just saying words to people what's the point in either you could just skip all of it and just say I will do this differently next time and here's what I'm going to do when I think of people forgiving I think of them releasing anger or like there some kind of emotional component to that is that does that feel like relevant I don't know if you can physically release an emotion do you think so I think you can maybe decide to stop ruminating on it as much I think that what I have found for myself I was told for a very long time like you shouldn't bottle up your emotions you should like really feel them and like allow them to like move through your body and like really like allow yourself to to really feel the experience and I actually think that is a form of rumination in many of the times um I also don't understand what is that doing for me I'm re living something that was a negative experience and like feeling more sad or more depressed or more frustrated how does feeling more of a negative emotion help me move forward but what I have noticed is that when I focus on the future what I'm going to do next I'm much happier when I'm focusing on an emotion tied to a past event I feel much more anxious and depressed yeah it's so interesting it's like the the frame around forgiveness could just be like what is your relationship with this person going to look like or not look like before rather than like how do I feel about them yeah I I really try and I think I've gotten a lot better at it and a lot faster to not indulge in an emotion I think that's the word indulge in an emotion I think that that's a very it's a disempowering stance to be in it's like purposely making yourself the victim of a feeling why would I ever purposely make myself the victim of anything and so I think that when you say I didn't like that that felt bad but I'm going to do this moving forward or hey I didn't like what that person did it felt bad and I'm [ __ ] here living so like it's obviously not that bad and what if as a viewer I'm someone who has made a mistake and I'm trying to figure out like do I apologize how do I approach this person like I would say show me don't tell me like if you really want to apologize show them with your actions you agree it was unacceptable if if it was right and I think that saying words to somebody seems lazy in my opinion committing to an action plan and putting in the work to change your behavior demonstrates an apology in my opinion because it's evidence of what they actually believe means they learned a mistake occurred they changed their behavior that means they learned and so they don't change their behavior so you can't actually say I learned my lesson until you can't say you learned your lesson until you do something different you did not learn the lesson because if you did you would act differently yeah is there an example of something like you might just by by habit say I'm sorry but I think that I often apologize for things that happen to people that I love that are outside of my control why I don't know I don't think it means anything I think I just say it cuz other people say it probably if I really wanted to change that I would probably just find a different word to say rather than like I'm sorry I think there's two things that I focus on lowering my emotional reactivity when I'm upset so remaining neutral and not showing my emotion because I do not think it's helpful if I'm upset to show that I'm upset because then the other person gets upset and then it escalates that is probably like if if I were to look at like my job and where I get the most return on effort lowering my emotional reactivity has had like the highest return on effort that I've had with anything for all of my relationships both work and personal I would say a second piece is yes being less apologetic mostly because I think when I say it I say it because I've always said it not because it means anything I could probably be more articulate in those situations but it's usually like in a moment where I feel guilty for something and then I say I'm sorry rather than avoiding the apology because I don't see how that's a positive for the person I'm even delivering to because the moment if anyone actually catches me and says like you don't need to apologize then I'm like [ __ ] like why did I do that you know like I I literally think I said it to Trev today and he was like you don't need to say you're sorry do you think that a verbal apology can be effective if it is the beginning of the process of changed Behavior or would you rather someone just do the thing I have realized that there's a pattern a lot of people have which is if somebody says I'm sorry then it is like okay there are no consequences and there is no feedback oh they're sorry we shouldn't do anything you don't need to apologize demonstrate that you've learned I think that it would be more effective if somebody stated what they learned and what they're committed to doing next and then you just focus on the future even if like when I mess up I think I've gotten much better at not dwelling in my own mistakes all that energy that I if I spend it dwelling on the mistake I've made I steal it from the energy I could have taken to move myself forward I think it's the same for other people if Alex makes a mistake if a direct report of mine makes a mistake and I continue to have them focus on the mistake I would say that that's probably more likely they'll make the mistake again not more likely that they're going to improve and commit to and be successful in the next steps that they take to improve cuz they're too busy fixating on the feeling the mistake feeling crappy about it because I'm pointing to it but if you point to do this next then they're focused on what they do next not on the thing that happened